I saw your face in front of me.

This picture was taken a little more than a week ago, when I was visiting my Baba. My Baba is one of the most important women in my life. I like the little bits of the house's character peeking out in that picture; I love that house. I can lay on my Baba's couch for hours, while she watches Dr. Phil (and reiterates everything, telling me how I should pay attention to a married couple's financial problems) or complains about the women's church group.

I feel like such a burn out right now. But I can't complain.

I've been going to the gym consistently for about three weeks now, and I have definitely noticed a difference not just in body shape, but in my feelings towards my body, and just generally actually being in my body. I honestly had no idea I was so disconnected from my body. I suppose it makes sense that I would be detached considering what I've been through in the past, but I had thought I was over it. Yeah right. Either way, my body and I are on our way to a happy healthy relationship.

And for once, in an intimate situation, I didn't feel like I had to hear a "You're beautiful" or some line like that. For once, the beauty and confidence came from me, not from the (usually) empty, complimentary words of my partner.

It sounds silly, but I've finally realized that I have neither the energy, time, and perhaps even desire for a serious relationship right now. I mean, I've strengthened my relationship with my parents, and it's certainly not easy work to uphold this. My relationships with my sisterfriends are also undergoing improvements, and I'm certainly not willing to sit back and watch them slide back into the dirt. There's no way I could deal with a super serious intimate relationship right now. I mean, thinking back to when I was dating my ex, and he would be upset if I didn't call him every night before bed... there's no way I'd be able to handle that now. I mean, it's nice hearing someone's voice and all that jazz. But, it's hard enough getting schedules to jive to go out for tea, never mind daily phone calls. However, I've certainly surrendered the outcome of certain relationships, and I'm content with their present state. (Even though, the present state is taking up some time and energy - it's manageable. And absolutely pleasant. And definitely new, fresh. ...exciting, even.)

I'm low on energy.
Give me some tips?

In the end the whole world comes down to just a few people.

"We don't exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, what we say has no meaning until someone can understand, while to be surrounded by friends is constantly to have our identity confirmed; their knowledge and care for us have the power to pull us from our numbness. In small comments, many of them teasing, they reveal they know our foibles and accept them and so, in turn, accept that we have a place in the world. We can ask them 'Isn't he frightening?' or 'Do you ever feel that...?' and be understood, rather than encounter the puzzled 'No, not particularly' - which can make us feel, even when in company, as lonely as polar explorers.

True friends do not evaluate us according to worldly criteria, it is the core self they are interested in..."

-- "The Consolations of Philosophy" by Alian de Botton

You put your arms around me.

I'm definitely being reminded that changing your perspective isn't an easy task; a reminder I needed, less I take it for granted. I woke up realizing that the negative emotions I was feeling last night were old. They didn't belong...

You don't know what I'm going through.

I've been thinking a lot about my Mom lately, and how it seems my life has always evolved around sickness and disease (her cancer, my own scoliosis + complications). I feel like I'm letting her down in my youth somehow; when she was my age, she had given her independent life for a life with my father. She never talks about it, but I think she was yearning to discover the world, to discover herself. I feel like now that I'm actively working towards personal well-being, that I don't deserve any of the 'goodness' I feel. I think I just need this beautiful, strong, mysterious woman to connect with me, to tell me that she's proud of me for... surviving.

A few years ago, I discovered a VHS tape in my parents house. It was a recording of me as a baby still in the hospital, only a handful of days old. It's like they didn't think I was going to make it. I survived... but this miracle baby isn't living up to her expectations.

It feels like I don't deserve happiness.
And I have no idea how to resolve this.

The ocean made me feel stupid.

I hope everyone had an awesome V-Day. A charming man and I hung out last night, and it was definitely an awesome fun night. Lately in live, I've been trying to just surrender, and let things happen instead of trying to control the outcome. I've let go of some relationships, I've got room to grow. And I'm oh so stoked.

My body is feeling less foreign to me these days. I am so glad I'm devoting time to myself. Of course, it's basically always sore from going to the gym 6 days a week, but it's sore in a funny way, so I'm okay with it.

I just got back from visiting a friend at her work, she asked me to just look serious for one second, and there was no way that I could not stop smiling.

Good things are happening...

All the birds are heading down south but you're staying up north you say.

I am thoroughly stoked about working tomorrow night at the Starlite Room, Matt Costa is playing! Hopefully, membership work will be finished before Delta Spirit is finished their set, cause I'd love to catch the majority of the show, but it's no biggie if I don't. It's rad just to be able to listen, really.

I'm feeling really lazy today. I didn't make it to the gym as I had intentioned, but overall, the day hasn't quite gone as planned. Today came with a lesson though: there's no point in running your mouth, if you're not saying anything at all. Sometimes, I think I know someone, and then I'm let down when I realize I held them in higher esteem than deserved.

When I walked into my apartment, someone had written in the visitor's parking binder:

Where are you, baby?

I'm eating, sleeping, loving
How are you?

God, give us love in the time that we have.

Just remember: Adjust the focus.

The Universe has been super rad lately.

• I have gone to the gym every day since Thursday (excluding today, Sunday is totally the rest day for me). And it feels so good to actually being fully committed to my health. I'm going to kick my disease in the butt!
  
• My Baba is well!*
• I am now a Memberships Girl at the Starlite Room (and hopefully, in due time, I'll be a Doors Girl as well)
• I have definitely been working on strengthening my Sisterfriend relationships, and since my heart fills with love when I think of them - we're definitely on the right track.
• There's a new fellow in my life. I don't know him very well yet, but I certainly look forward to getting to know him.
• My Mother and I have been having awesome telephone conversations lately. This is good news for us.
  

*She apparently had a stroke a few weeks ago, but the doctors have ruled that out. This means no brain damage or paralysis, but they still don't know what is causing her to black out, etc. Either way, she's feeling like her old self again!

I want your flowers like babies want god's love or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come.

I've cut you out of the pictures, baby.
Now I'm just kissing ghosts.

Say goodbye to love and hold your head up high.

I absolutely adore hot beverages on a cold day. I think I've also come to terms with the fact that no one is going to surprise me at work one day with a steaming hot cup of "I love you so much that I'm going to surprise you at work" tea.

I just coloured my daily petal of my Flower Mandala and I'm pleased to announce that the colour green has returned! This is good news, I was definitely noticing its absence during my days.