Saturday, February 16, 2008

You don't know what I'm going through.

I've been thinking a lot about my Mom lately, and how it seems my life has always evolved around sickness and disease (her cancer, my own scoliosis + complications). I feel like I'm letting her down in my youth somehow; when she was my age, she had given her independent life for a life with my father. She never talks about it, but I think she was yearning to discover the world, to discover herself. I feel like now that I'm actively working towards personal well-being, that I don't deserve any of the 'goodness' I feel. I think I just need this beautiful, strong, mysterious woman to connect with me, to tell me that she's proud of me for... surviving.

A few years ago, I discovered a VHS tape in my parents house. It was a recording of me as a baby still in the hospital, only a handful of days old. It's like they didn't think I was going to make it. I survived... but this miracle baby isn't living up to her expectations.

It feels like I don't deserve happiness.
And I have no idea how to resolve this.

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