Thursday, February 28, 2008

I saw your face in front of me.

This picture was taken a little more than a week ago, when I was visiting my Baba. My Baba is one of the most important women in my life. I like the little bits of the house's character peeking out in that picture; I love that house. I can lay on my Baba's couch for hours, while she watches Dr. Phil (and reiterates everything, telling me how I should pay attention to a married couple's financial problems) or complains about the women's church group.

I feel like such a burn out right now. But I can't complain.

I've been going to the gym consistently for about three weeks now, and I have definitely noticed a difference not just in body shape, but in my feelings towards my body, and just generally actually being in my body. I honestly had no idea I was so disconnected from my body. I suppose it makes sense that I would be detached considering what I've been through in the past, but I had thought I was over it. Yeah right. Either way, my body and I are on our way to a happy healthy relationship.

And for once, in an intimate situation, I didn't feel like I had to hear a "You're beautiful" or some line like that. For once, the beauty and confidence came from me, not from the (usually) empty, complimentary words of my partner.

It sounds silly, but I've finally realized that I have neither the energy, time, and perhaps even desire for a serious relationship right now. I mean, I've strengthened my relationship with my parents, and it's certainly not easy work to uphold this. My relationships with my sisterfriends are also undergoing improvements, and I'm certainly not willing to sit back and watch them slide back into the dirt. There's no way I could deal with a super serious intimate relationship right now. I mean, thinking back to when I was dating my ex, and he would be upset if I didn't call him every night before bed... there's no way I'd be able to handle that now. I mean, it's nice hearing someone's voice and all that jazz. But, it's hard enough getting schedules to jive to go out for tea, never mind daily phone calls. However, I've certainly surrendered the outcome of certain relationships, and I'm content with their present state. (Even though, the present state is taking up some time and energy - it's manageable. And absolutely pleasant. And definitely new, fresh. ...exciting, even.)

I'm low on energy.
Give me some tips?


Eartha said...


I've been low on energy, and as soon as I started that cleanse I couldn't believe how much better I feel.

ugh, i'm signed in as Eartha, it's April.

a.hlewka said...

Hmm. Perhaps a cleanse is in order...