We wanted it this way. We were brought up to grow into one.

I'm feeling grateful these days. I've been feeling every emotion... and in the end, this world is still beautiful, and I am still full of love.

I've been visiting home, my family and the prairie fields. I've been letting go of a lot of toxic, stagnant, abusive, and draining 'friendships'. I feel so much lighter. I don't know why I've always thought that I have to get along/like everyone, and everyone must get along/like me. Silly. People have been coming into my life and teaching me lessons, and I am grateful. An ex boyfriend (the first real relationship I ever had) was visiting the city a while ago, and I'm glad we had that visit. It put a lot of things in perspective for me, a lot of realizations. Like how powerful the smallest considerations can be (considerate... something he is not), and how he makes me feel like I'm the darkest, most hopeless individual. And how I don't have to be who he thinks I am.

Anyways, it's been raining, and I've been thinking. I choose the people in my life carefully, I suppose. And I am grateful for every lesson. I finally got my marks back in school, and I'm pleased. I miss school, but I appreciate this free time to read the untouched books on my shelf. I am happy with my independence. I am a joyful girl.

open up your heart

...I had an AH-HAH moment today in my yoga class.

I have been involved with this one guy for the past 8 months or so, off and on, messy love sort of thing...

At this point, I need space to really reflect and figure it out; but I think I keep going/staying/taking him back because I'm afraid that it's the closest to love I'll ever get. And I'm not even sure he loves me back. The unfortunate part is it can border on abusive and is a thoroughly unhealthy relationship.

I dream of a man who will look at me and see my heart, see the light.

I see clear tonight, I think I'll stay the night.

I went back to my hometown this weekend, for Graves.  Basically, there's a church service, and then the priest and everyone else pile into the cars are drive to the graveyard.  (My parent, brother and I always skip the service).  There's Ukrainian prayers intermingled with old Ukrainians singing.  Then the priest blesses the grave (and little baskets of food prepared by the family).

This picture is hanging in my Baba's living room... it's my Gedo, Nicholas (who was called Nick by everyone), as a young boy with his parents (my great-Baba & great-Gedo), Angelina and Nick.  Gedo, great-Baba and great-Gedos' graves were all blessed today.

This is growing in my Baba's kitchen.  Tiger lilies have been a constant in my life...  and whenever I do any self-work in Flower Essences Therapy, it generally appears.

The most beautiful couple...

Seriously.  One of the coolest places ever.

This is a couch meant for grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  This is a place of absolute love.  Always.  

I don't go home very often.  But I should.  There's something about my little hometown that no other place has...  my history, I suppose.

(Though I did miss Charlie.)

Nothing Ever Ends

I am a sinking ship on the best of days. My life is a twisted mess of insecure metaphors. I keep things complicated for myself, I think.

I haven't really seen my family in months. We're strangers that share genetics and history, but very little of the heart.

I work in a bar because the music stays between me and everyone else. It keeps me tired, exhausted, and quiet. It keeps me from trying for something better.

I don't try very hard in school. I withdraw from classes, or work 3 jobs at once so I have an excuse to fail. A reason to stay behind. A reason to keep some distance between the future and I.

C. asked me the other night, "if I lit my hand on fire... would you break up with me?" And I replied that I'd fix it for him. But I keep thinking of this. I would. And I don't know if I'm happy with that. I don't know if expending that energy on him is reciprocated.

I don't know if I can ever be with anyone if I keep dreaming of up and leaving one day. I don't know if I can ever be with anyone if I keep falling in love with everyone.

I don't know where I am today.

you'll find nothing truer than the light just before the night turns to day.

There's something in the air that gets me into trouble every time.

And I can't find what it takes to apologize.

I don't want to do anything but lay in the sun, with or without you, but with a smile, nonetheless.

live without dead time.

It's taken me years of living with my walls, months of unsupportive relationships, and nights of falling into bed for the wrong reasons.  It's taken me years to come to the realization that I deserve something good.  I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect.  I will not settle for less like I have in the past.  I will not become a victim, or a doormat, or a whore.  I will only allow the hands of a lover who cherishes me to glorify me with his touch.  And in the process, I will let go of the memories of those hands who have hurt me, those lovers who threw me away.  It's taken me years... but I internalize the meaning of self-respect.

Step off the map and float...

I'll be honest.  I miss our friendship.  I miss your presence in our apartment.  

But I'm thoroughly excited for the new chapter of my life.  I'm extremely happy to have the chance to explore my creativity, my mind, my life.  

I wish us all the best.