Praise Nature!

Life has been good... 

I've been listening to a lot of amazing bands: The Provincial Archive, World of Science, Ursa Miner, and The Rural Alberta Advantage (thanks, April!).  This music has most definitely been making a difference in my days.

I'm realizing that it's time to find a place on my own.  It's been difficult living with roommates.  Right now, with my roommate never actually being at home, I float between feeling like I've lost a friend and then feeling as though my vibe has been disturbed when she is home.  It's not fair to either or us.  I'm dreaming of a cute place and another kitten.  

...I'm dreaming of beautiful tattoos and beautiful places.  I'm dreaming of myself.

I'm going through my Touch for Health notes... and these have been some of my affirmations lately:

• I am beautiful and deserving of self love.
• I am full of forgiveness and gratitude.
• I am confident and comfortable in my solitude and among others.
• I am motivated and fulfilled in my own life.

I love my friends.  I love my cat.  I love good vegan food (Padmanadi's Buffet tomorrow!).  I love getting to know myself.

Don't let them drag you around...

In the past two weeks, my boyfriend and I have broken up, I've quit one of my jobs, my passport came in the mail, and my cat broke my full length mirror.

I've been seeing more sunrises than sunsets, and I'm becoming stronger in myself.  I miss you.  But I'm not going to tell you that I need you, because I don't.  I'm not going to ask for your help, because I can do this all on my own.  

It hurts when I care about you.  You need to grow up.  As much as I want to hurt you, I won't.  I'm wishing you the best, but I'm loving myself first, before you.  I'm loving everything.  

I'm not looking to you to keep the fire in my heart anymore.

In all Honesty.

I miss you right now.  I think I miss you the most in the dead of night, when I'm completely alone, and sleep won't even take me.  

You are one of the most amazing people in my life.  And as you said before, we have a deeper connection than most.  

There are no more tears on my face.  But I miss you so much right now.  I miss the warm smile you would bring.

I need you to realize that you're one of the most amazing people I know.  And I am so grateful to the universe that she gave us beautiful history together.

Little Bird

In the beginning, the middle, and the end...

I was too afraid of giving myself to someone I could potentially lose.

But it happened anyways.

And now I'm in a choke-hold with tired eyes and a sense of defeat.

Little bird, what do I do with these tiny pieces?

Is this the day I'm going to die, little bird?

My life is Mine.

This season drains me. I can't escape the cold, my muscles are always tense from unconsciously hunching up for warmth.

These are odd times. It's the time of the year where I really don't care if I'm drinking alone, or blazing before noon. And why should I? These are frozen times.

I came home yesterday, and upon walking into the apartment, I actually wished that you still lived here. There is no closure. I don't understand what happened to our friendship. Or to you.

These are frozen times. Do what you need to do to stay alive.

I want to crawl back into bed, with your warm body beside me.

I'm feeling so unmotivated, so disheartened. I'm in a place where my self-perception is confronted with others' perceptions, and I'm left with a static feeling of unoriginality and ambiguity. It's so strange how an individual can just... end up a certain way, with no seemingly distinct life events to shape an individual in that certain way.

I've started to take 5-Hydroxytryptophan in the hopes of elevating my mood and improving my sleep. It's a compromise I made with my family and friends, I suppose, since most seem to be convinced that I should be diagnosed with depression.

I'm in a conflict... school vs. work/life? come January. ...it's been giving me stress headaches for weeks.

Last night, laying in bed with him, feeling high, feeling good... I was full of uninhibited love and light. I want to feel that way all the time, but it really is such a vulnerable state.

I'm not unfaithful.

"Rock & Roll is so great, people should start dying for it. You don't understand. The music gave you back your beat so you could dream. A whole generation running with a Fender bass . . .

The people just have to die for the music. People are dying for everything else, so why not the music? Die for it. Isn't it pretty? Wouldn't you die for something pretty?" -- Lou Reed