i am destroyer, i am lover

2010-08-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

I've carried a note in my wallet for almost three years. A note from a past lover, a past friend.

"As always, you are super cute. Have a good evening, and just take care of yourself okay? Love, -D."

The ink has smudged. The paper's worn thin and easily torn. It's time to throw out, time to let go.

Don't talk to me about forever.

2010-01-13T23:42:00.000-08:00

I got Scribbles Sunday. He was abandoned; found the day that winter greeted Edmonton with snow, poking around trash bins. His nose was frost bitten.

Around Thanksgiving, a cousin of mine left his wife and two kids.

Around Christmas, another cousin of mine left her five kids.

I don't want to grow up if it means I'm going to abandon everything I once loved.

What should we do? ...smile!

2009-12-06T23:06:00.000-08:00

"Homework, walk hiro, eat vegan food, build snow people, have a drink, go to a movie, sleding, start a band, bake a cake, draw portraits of each other, eat ice cream, throw a party, braid my hair, sewing, break dance, play with action figures, paint our toes, tetris, read comics, go snow shoeing, hitch hike to a warmer place, have a cat party, adopt pandas. Make a scratching post/cat tree, plant a garden, swimming, ride bikes, grocery shop for food, pie jerks in the face, fly kites, bird watching, free the animals from W.E.M., door to door atheism, go to vancouver, visit seniors, marry khan and charlie, farmers market, build a fort, switch jobs, yoga, ice cream floats, camping, water slides, go carts, hot tubs, build a fire, and hugs."

...Z. is the best.

Seriously. Everyone in my life? You're all amazing.

I'm at work...

2009-12-01T13:55:00.000-08:00

...and all I can think about is how much I want to stop talking about the things I 'should' and 'want' to do. I want to stop saying those words and just live.

My life is going to be chalk-full of accomplishment, satisfaction, feel-good moments, and crossed-off to do lists.

why does everything have to be a battle?

2009-11-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

Today, I was called a feminazi. Three of the four friends I relayed this to were significantly more upset than I. The fourth friend took my reaction of confusion -- so I wikipedia'd the word. Strangely, the three upset friends are male, and the fourth confused friend is female.

Even after reading the article about 'aggressive feminists' I'm still confused. Why did the individual so specifically throw this word and it's negative connotations at me? And why are the males in my life more upset whereas I am simply bewildered?

I've been known to read feminist literature, and yes, I listen to Ani DiFranco*. I suppose I have a few feminist ideals tucked away in my heart and my mind, but I don't call myself a feminist. In fact, I don't really call myself anything that ends with -ist -- that's a lot of commitment. But really, a feminazi?

Well, here it is. This is the cold hard facts of why I'm a feminazi -- or at least, what I assume, are his reasons for calling me a feminazi: I refuse to have a conversation with someone when they are rude, inappropriate, or down right douchey. When you take away the 'he said, she said' bullshit of the story, that's exactly what it boils down to. I don't deserve to be treated poorly -- and this makes me a feminazi? Really? So be it, I suppose... but next time I see you, buddy, I'm going to live up to that word and it's negative connotations -- and leave you bleeding whether it's with my fists or my words.

Ani DiFranco - In or Out

* Funny Story: So one time, I may or may not have hit this one guy in the face. Guy gets angry -- and a bloody nose -- and exclaims "You know, just because you listen to Ani DiFranco doesn't mean you can hit men in the face!" Regardless of who I listen to, he deserved it.

the heart is like hand grenade

2009-11-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

My days are full of awesome, so long as I don't get caught up in mundane crap.

The Short Version of Awesome:

started attending women's health workshop on Saturday
nude photoshoot on Sunday
new cutting on Monday
visits with Z.
staying at Allison's
baby pandas

The Reason featuring Sara Quin- We're So Beyond This

break the rules, fuck the laws.

2009-11-22T00:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I will lock myself in a room full of mirrors, reflecting every possible flaw. I will be facing my toughest critic in every reflection. ... and I will come out victorious. I love bodies that tell stories, with scars and beauty marks. I will love mine. I will be liberated. And then, I will let it go, because I am not my body, but that doesn't mean I am not full of love.

Ani DiFranco - I'm No Heroine

boring.

2009-11-21T00:51:00.000-08:00

...That's right. My scarf matches my tights. Ba-bam!

already yours

2009-11-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

Seems like life is everywhere these days, beautiful and tough as fuck and liberating and exhausting. I'm surviving, but I'd rather be living.

Z. helped re-frame everything for me... "Everything is going to be okay. We are good people who try hard with good animals, family and friends who love us and at the end of the day that's all that matters."

He speaks the truth. I spent some time with A., it's the end of a long day, and Charlie is curled up on top of my barefeet, keeping them warm. It really is all that matters.

bahamas - What's Worse

(A. and I saw bahamas open for Amy Millan, and the more I listen to him, the more I dig it.)

carve a place.

2009-11-18T01:33:00.000-08:00

There's a fire in my soul.

And I can survive anything

Stars - On Peak Hill

let's meet in the middle.

2009-11-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

I don't post on here when things are happy, it seems. Oops.

School is a bit tough right now. Friends even seem tough sometimes. Family is almost tough all the time.

But there are people who see the light in me. And people who will bring by Pads when I'm working at the bar. And family who will shout about how intelligent and beautiful and strong I am.

Optimism comes true.

Owl City - Fireflies

PS. Today, I am a sucker for sweet synth pop. Tomorrow, it'll probably make my teeth hurt. Metaphorically speaking.

fml.

2009-11-08T02:45:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, I don't like being the bad one.

Pink Mountaintops - While We Were Dreaming

tarnish the gold heart, you've already broken her body.

2009-11-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

I'm the one swearing as she leaves the grocery store because she forgot to buy something -- usually, the main thing she went there to buy. And by the time I get home, I've forgotten that I've forgotten, so I swear all over again.

I don't forget you though. The lot of you. The one who played with every emotion, pulled and plucked, snapping my heartstrings. The one who liked me best with my body shoved against a wall, a hand to the throat, a fist to the face. The one who devalued every part of my mind, body, and soul. The one who ignored my absolute existence.

I'm going through life alone. And I don't want to. And it's your fault.

One day, I'll be strong enough to forgive you. The lot of you. And maybe even forget you. But until then, I'm weak, and it's your fault.

Dan Mangan - Robots

Ahhh shit!!

2009-11-03T23:09:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been bitching and complaining too often... so, in light of taking myself so seriously, it's time to laugh at myself.

And, if I do say so myself, I think I'm pretty funny.

Buck 65 - Phil

and then you turn around, and no one's there.

2009-11-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

"Our hearts are meant to be broken because that is how they open."

There is always someone that came before you. That someone that he still thinks about, the someone that you'll be compared to. We all have that someone as much as we don't want to admit, even if that someone was nothing special. Even if that someone destroyed us.

How can we ever let someone else in if we can't let someone else go?

I want to be free of these ghosts. I want to be free of that pain.

Come on, heart. Open up.

Death Cab For Cutie - Grapevine Fires

i don't know what i'm doing alone.

2009-11-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

No hangouts with the brother today. Boo.

I'm starting to feel unsettled with my living situation. It's too expensive living alone, but man, I love hanging out in my underwear all day. I just feel like I don't live with people very well.

Hey universe? Help me out with a couple friends and a great house and cheap rent and happy good times?

Destroyer - Bay of Pigs

turn your light on me.

2009-11-01T01:43:00.000-07:00

Next year, if I'm still working in the bar industry, there is no way I'm working Halloween. I was belittled by coworkers, ignored by patrons, and tipped very poorly when providing good service -- there is no such thing as great service on a holiday, when a bar is almost at capacity.

But... it my non-working life, this night was good: I had Z. to text all night (never underestimate what impact a kind text can have), I ran into my friend R. (so glad I know this dude, definitely feel like we look out for each other, like siblings I guess), and got to know my boss' lady, S., a bit better (apparently she feels maternal towards me -- which is nice, since my own mother is a bit absent from my life -- mostly due to me).

I'm hanging out with my brother tomorrow. So stoked. It's been a while.

Hey life, you ain't so bad...

Ladyhawk - I Don't Always Know What You're Saying

oh. this was a friday night?

2009-10-31T03:07:00.000-07:00

Vacation from my life, please.

ASAP.

to the beautiful people who are really in my life (especially a. and c. and j. and n. and r. and r. and s. and t. and z. at this moment)

2009-10-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have spent enough time trying to get to know people, being pushed aside and forgotten, waiting for that invitation into their lives. I'm done. I've got beautiful people right beside me (which is a world of a difference compared to right in front of me). I'm grateful for this weekend.

"With all its sham,

drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

-- Max Ehrmann

Weezer - Island in the Sun

robots need love too...

2009-10-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

Bad news: I look like hell.

Good news: I only have to finish writing two more parts for my paper due tomorrow.

...I just want to sleep.

i'll find my way back to you

2009-10-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight... saw Bahamas and Amy Millan & the Secret Weapon.

When I was in junior high, I started to read (but rarely post in) indecline.net -- which still exists, but for the most part has been moved over to spinternet.ca. -- Edmonton's music community. I would pour over pages of discussions, reading about 'local' bands I would never see, remembering names and members and faces and bars.

In senior high, I started going to hall shows in a neighboring town. I was at the front of every crowd, intrigued by what really was simply mediocre high school punk bands, and making friends* with traveling bands.

When I moved out, the walls of my first apartment (aka. dorm room) was plastered with show posters. In fact, I attended more concerts than handed in papers -- on time. I bought my first record player after my father refused to let me pack his vintage system to champ city with me. Almost two years ago, I was hired as a membership and door girl at the Starlite Room, one of the city's concert venues. I've worked my way up to serving and I have my own bartending night (Tuesdays!).

But I'm restless. I want more. I want this passion and this creation that I spend so much time watching from the outside. I want more than to listen and to move to the beat.

I want to stop falling in love with musicians. Fall in love with me.

* "making friends" may or may not mean sharing drinks and smoking doobs.

Amy Millan - I Will Follow You Into The Dark

hard drugs are for bartenders

2009-10-21T02:58:00.000-07:00

Dear boys from The Matinee,

Come back to Edmonton. Stay. Party with me. My lover never came. This gypsy heart is lonely these days. Stay. Party with me. I'm not sure he is my lover. Take me with you. Take this heart out of the prairies. There is no love. Drop me off in the big city. A real big city. The night ends with a broken bottle. Or maybe it's just an empty bottle. A bit like my heart, I suppose. Stay. Take me with you. Party through the tough times.

XOXO,

Ashley.

Pinback - Boo

i don't have my license because i would spend all my time driving away.

2009-10-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

I used to be a strong-willed girl. A strong-willed, wild girl following her own rationality. Chalk full of determination. Heart full of gold -- got to save the world!

Life has kept me a wild girl, but trials and tribulations have made me a strung-out girl, following her own reckless path. Dear drugs, please harden my heart. Please tarnish the gold.

I applied for to model for a nude calendar today. I am in love with strange beauty, with bodies that tell stories, instead of just being conventionally attractive. I am a strange beauty, a body that tells a scarred story of strength.

I am still a determined girl. Head-strong, high-strung, strong-willed, and scarred. But my body is not my heart.

The Hold Steady - Stay Positive

every time i smoke a joint, i just want to dance & write & dance & paint & dance & create

2009-10-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

I miss summer nights, kissed with alcohol's light lips. I miss the walking these city streets late at night, the street alive only with the echo of my steps. I miss bartending a quiet bar, where the music is the only thing we need. I miss sleeping in till the afternoon when the sunlight poured in through my window. I miss seeing colors, seeing light.

I must've looked different in the summer light, because I miss you, seeing me.

Band of Horses - Weed Party

leave behind a legacy.

2009-08-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

The other night at work, a man saw the beginning of the scar on my back, and asked if I had lost my wings. "That's fairly accurate," was my reply. I think my diagnosis was the exact moment where I lost my innocence, my childhood happiness.

When I was younger, I believed I would die at twenty-two. Every now and then, I think about if this is really how I want to spend what could potentially be the last year of my life.

I want my wings back. I want to feel grace.

hey!

2009-08-05T17:15:00.001-07:00

So... sometimes the security guard forgets to lock one of the Legislature doors.

Right now... living is a pleasure.

We wanted it this way. We were brought up to grow into one.

2009-07-08T23:51:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling grateful these days. I've been feeling every emotion... and in the end, this world is still beautiful, and I am still full of love.

I've been visiting home, my family and the prairie fields. I've been letting go of a lot of toxic, stagnant, abusive, and draining 'friendships'. I feel so much lighter. I don't know why I've always thought that I have to get along/like everyone, and everyone must get along/like me. Silly. People have been coming into my life and teaching me lessons, and I am grateful. An ex boyfriend (the first real relationship I ever had) was visiting the city a while ago, and I'm glad we had that visit. It put a lot of things in perspective for me, a lot of realizations. Like how powerful the smallest considerations can be (considerate... something he is not), and how he makes me feel like I'm the darkest, most hopeless individual. And how I don't have to be who he thinks I am.

Anyways, it's been raining, and I've been thinking. I choose the people in my life carefully, I suppose. And I am grateful for every lesson. I finally got my marks back in school, and I'm pleased. I miss school, but I appreciate this free time to read the untouched books on my shelf. I am happy with my independence. I am a joyful girl.

open up your heart

2009-05-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

...I had an AH-HAH moment today in my yoga class.

I have been involved with this one guy for the past 8 months or so, off and on, messy love sort of thing...

At this point, I need space to really reflect and figure it out; but I think I keep going/staying/taking him back because I'm afraid that it's the closest to love I'll ever get. And I'm not even sure he loves me back. The unfortunate part is it can border on abusive and is a thoroughly unhealthy relationship.

I dream of a man who will look at me and see my heart, see the light.

I see clear tonight, I think I'll stay the night.

2009-05-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

I went back to my hometown this weekend, for Graves. Basically, there's a church service, and then the priest and everyone else pile into the cars are drive to the graveyard. (My parent, brother and I always skip the service). There's Ukrainian prayers intermingled with old Ukrainians singing. Then the priest blesses the grave (and little baskets of food prepared by the family).

This picture is hanging in my Baba's living room... it's my Gedo, Nicholas (who was called Nick by everyone), as a young boy with his parents (my great-Baba & great-Gedo), Angelina and Nick. Gedo, great-Baba and great-Gedos' graves were all blessed today.

This is growing in my Baba's kitchen. Tiger lilies have been a constant in my life... and whenever I do any self-work in Flower Essences Therapy, it generally appears.

The most beautiful couple...

Seriously. One of the coolest places ever.

This is a couch meant for grandchildren and great-grandchildren. This is a place of absolute love. Always.

I don't go home very often. But I should. There's something about my little hometown that no other place has... my history, I suppose.

(Though I did miss Charlie.)

Nothing Ever Ends

2009-04-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

I am a sinking ship on the best of days. My life is a twisted mess of insecure metaphors. I keep things complicated for myself, I think.

I haven't really seen my family in months. We're strangers that share genetics and history, but very little of the heart.

I work in a bar because the music stays between me and everyone else. It keeps me tired, exhausted, and quiet. It keeps me from trying for something better.

I don't try very hard in school. I withdraw from classes, or work 3 jobs at once so I have an excuse to fail. A reason to stay behind. A reason to keep some distance between the future and I.

C. asked me the other night, "if I lit my hand on fire... would you break up with me?" And I replied that I'd fix it for him. But I keep thinking of this. I would. And I don't know if I'm happy with that. I don't know if expending that energy on him is reciprocated.

I don't know if I can ever be with anyone if I keep dreaming of up and leaving one day. I don't know if I can ever be with anyone if I keep falling in love with everyone.

I don't know where I am today.

you'll find nothing truer than the light just before the night turns to day.

2009-04-11T13:38:00.001-07:00

There's something in the air that gets me into trouble every time.

And I can't find what it takes to apologize.

I don't want to do anything but lay in the sun, with or without you, but with a smile, nonetheless.

live without dead time.

2009-02-24T16:09:00.000-08:00

It's taken me years of living with my walls, months of unsupportive relationships, and nights of falling into bed for the wrong reasons. It's taken me years to come to the realization that I deserve something good. I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect. I will not settle for less like I have in the past. I will not become a victim, or a doormat, or a whore. I will only allow the hands of a lover who cherishes me to glorify me with his touch. And in the process, I will let go of the memories of those hands who have hurt me, those lovers who threw me away. It's taken me years... but I internalize the meaning of self-respect.

Step off the map and float...

2009-02-20T23:44:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest. I miss our friendship. I miss your presence in our apartment.

But I'm thoroughly excited for the new chapter of my life. I'm extremely happy to have the chance to explore my creativity, my mind, my life.

I wish us all the best.

Praise Nature!

2009-02-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

Life has been good...

I've been listening to a lot of amazing bands: The Provincial Archive, World of Science, Ursa Miner, and The Rural Alberta Advantage (thanks, April!). This music has most definitely been making a difference in my days.

I'm realizing that it's time to find a place on my own. It's been difficult living with roommates. Right now, with my roommate never actually being at home, I float between feeling like I've lost a friend and then feeling as though my vibe has been disturbed when she is home. It's not fair to either or us. I'm dreaming of a cute place and another kitten.

...I'm dreaming of beautiful tattoos and beautiful places. I'm dreaming of myself.

I'm going through my Touch for Health notes... and these have been some of my affirmations lately:

I am beautiful and deserving of self love.
I am full of forgiveness and gratitude.
I am confident and comfortable in my solitude and among others.
I am motivated and fulfilled in my own life.

I love my friends. I love my cat. I love good vegan food (Padmanadi's Buffet tomorrow!). I love getting to know myself.

Don't let them drag you around...

2009-01-25T12:45:00.000-08:00

In the past two weeks, my boyfriend and I have broken up, I've quit one of my jobs, my passport came in the mail, and my cat broke my full length mirror.

I've been seeing more sunrises than sunsets, and I'm becoming stronger in myself. I miss you. But I'm not going to tell you that I need you, because I don't. I'm not going to ask for your help, because I can do this all on my own.

It hurts when I care about you. You need to grow up. As much as I want to hurt you, I won't. I'm wishing you the best, but I'm loving myself first, before you. I'm loving everything.

I'm not looking to you to keep the fire in my heart anymore.

In all Honesty.

2009-01-15T22:35:00.000-08:00

I miss you right now. I think I miss you the most in the dead of night, when I'm completely alone, and sleep won't even take me.

You are one of the most amazing people in my life. And as you said before, we have a deeper connection than most.

There are no more tears on my face. But I miss you so much right now. I miss the warm smile you would bring.

I need you to realize that you're one of the most amazing people I know. And I am so grateful to the universe that she gave us beautiful history together.

Little Bird

2009-01-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, the middle, and the end...

I was too afraid of giving myself to someone I could potentially lose.

But it happened anyways.

And now I'm in a choke-hold with tired eyes and a sense of defeat.

Little bird, what do I do with these tiny pieces?

Is this the day I'm going to die, little bird?

My life is Mine.

2008-12-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

This season drains me. I can't escape the cold, my muscles are always tense from unconsciously hunching up for warmth.

These are odd times. It's the time of the year where I really don't care if I'm drinking alone, or blazing before noon. And why should I? These are frozen times.

I came home yesterday, and upon walking into the apartment, I actually wished that you still lived here. There is no closure. I don't understand what happened to our friendship. Or to you.

These are frozen times. Do what you need to do to stay alive.

I want to crawl back into bed, with your warm body beside me.

2008-12-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling so unmotivated, so disheartened. I'm in a place where my self-perception is confronted with others' perceptions, and I'm left with a static feeling of unoriginality and ambiguity. It's so strange how an individual can just... end up a certain way, with no seemingly distinct life events to shape an individual in that certain way.

I've started to take 5-Hydroxytryptophan in the hopes of elevating my mood and improving my sleep. It's a compromise I made with my family and friends, I suppose, since most seem to be convinced that I should be diagnosed with depression.

I'm in a conflict... school vs. work/life? come January. ...it's been giving me stress headaches for weeks.

Last night, laying in bed with him, feeling high, feeling good... I was full of uninhibited love and light. I want to feel that way all the time, but it really is such a vulnerable state.

I'm not unfaithful.

2008-11-10T02:08:00.001-08:00

"Rock & Roll is so great, people should start dying for it. You don't understand. The music gave you back your beat so you could dream. A whole generation running with a Fender bass . . .

The people just have to die for the music. People are dying for everything else, so why not the music? Die for it. Isn't it pretty? Wouldn't you die for something pretty?" -- Lou Reed

I'm falling into it.

2008-10-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

No tomatoes?
-- Changes the world, really.

elevator, take me home.

2008-10-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

There's this guy that I share the elevator with sometimes.

I've seen him before, I think, but I can't figure out where. I'd like to know him better, but then he might start taking the stairs...

fuck school

2008-10-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

I want to party.
I want to go out every night to see bands play (even when they suck).
I want to spend the day sleeping beside you, tangled in your arms.
I want to get lost in this city with my friends.
I want to spend the holidays with my cat and roommate.
I want to read the books I choose on my own time.
I want to write words without caring about grammar or APA format.
I want to paint.
I want to get involved.

Fuck deadlines. Fuck being uninspired. Fuck someone else's rules.

I'm a righteous babe... I'll finish this semester,
but then I'm looking for explosions in the sky.

It's a long way home.

2008-09-21T23:08:00.001-07:00

I can't believe the moment I let my walls fall, and I start to let myself love you,
you're heading the other way, with no words of explanation on your lips.

You can hurt someone without bruising them, baby.
I wish you weren't learning this from me.

Can anybody tell me why God won't speak to me?

2008-09-13T01:11:00.001-07:00

Today I experienced every emotion. I quite possibly had one of the greatest nights of my life, but it's now dissolved by tears. My heart is sore. My heart is tired. My heart never had the chance to bloom...

(I had written this a while ago)

2008-09-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

Music is still inspiring. Even now that I know it's process, how it's made. I've seen the backstage, it's factory.

And in these overwhelming oil-boom, global-warming, pointing-fingers-but-little-action-ever-taken times, I am happy to work in a run down bar with a sticky floor and a dirty stage.

I need to be reminded that I'm alive. We all need to turn up the stereo and remember.

It's summer. It's time for rock'n'roll feelings of freedom and possibilities and everything is going to work out and new friends and people being happy and sunrises after a night of whiskey & cigarettes.

I need to remember that I'm alive. I need to figure out how to write about this to preserve it for the winter, when I'm going to need it's warm life to live.

Funeral for a Friend.

2008-09-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am a strong woman with little fears and paranoia, but you've managed to make me jump at every noise and feel completely unsafe in my own home.

I can't believe I don't know who you are anymore, or that you managed to change the entire energy of a room like the world's negativity was draining the light out of my heart.

I am ashamed of myself because I saw the signs of something, but I shrugged it off as the struggle of growing up, only to find myself face first with the monster of something much more tragic.

I hope you find the help you need and the answers you're looking for. Right now, my heart is just trying to regain it's composure though my hands are still shaking even though the locks have been changed.

new start

2008-08-21T23:41:00.001-07:00

I've started moving all my poetry into a new blog.

Take a look at:
http://boatsthatsink.blogspot.com/

Feel free to comment, please. I used to want to be a writer, I think I've lost those dreams, but I still do appreciate comments.

so where does that leave us?

2008-08-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you something. I am a small and tentative creature. I don't know how to be loved, and I am only full of guess on how to love. I make a lot of mistakes and only discuss a few of them. I am curious about self-destruction. I am curious about enlightenment. I have wandering into a scandalous lifestyle. I am curious about drugs, but I am unable to do them. I wake the city streets alone at the most irrational times of night. I am surprised that nothing bad in a big way has happened to me. I just witnessed my parents sharing toothpaste, and it's occured to me that this is the most affection I have seen between the two of them in my twenty years of life. I throw myself around a lot. And I don't know what to do now that I'm with you. My desperate actions to keep a man interested, somehow fail with you. I don't know how to tell you... that when my junior high years of cuts for luck and my senior high years of scars for freedom failed me... I am familiar with self-destruction in terms of throwing myself into a man's arms... fully knowing that he's going to throw me away... I have to tell you that I don't know how to be loved exclusively. I don't know how to admired, appreciated, cared for. I don't know how to be loved. Period.

If you don't want to see the worst in me...

2008-07-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

I just found a passage that I scribbled out of a book ages ago. So long ago that I don't remember the book, but it's about the Virgin Mary. An entity that I've always been intrigued with.

"In Christianity, the Virgin Mary, whose cult derives from pagan goddess cults, is also Mater Dolorosa, 'the grieving mother,' weeping over her dead child."

I have dreams about having the Virgin Mary tattooed on my arm, but with my mother's face. One day, I'll read more about Mater Dolorosa. One day, my mother and I will understand each other.

Every day I notice, how much I'm just like you.

2008-07-20T01:53:00.000-07:00

All I need:

good music
an awesome kitten, Charlie
a rad roommate, Zosia
craftin'
conversation

In no particular order.

life lesson #68

2008-06-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

When a charming man tells you that he's not looking for a girlfriend, or anything serious, but the two of you decide to be together anyways...

...3 months later you'll find out through his upstairs neighbor that he's got a new girlfriend.

I will overcome this.

2008-06-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been having a lot of overwhelming thoughts and doubts and emotions concerning life, love, school, spirituality. I spent a good chunk of Sunday crying. And on Monday, I had my ears scalpelled from a 2gauge to 3/4". I figure if I can get through that, then I can get through everything else.

I'm also really happy that Matt accepted my old (too small) jewelry. And hopefully Jaclyn will accept the stuff that Matt finds too small.

Here are my new lobes:

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."
- Nietzsche

The have-nots have had enough.

2008-05-27T23:29:00.001-07:00

Today, I remembered that I am young and life requires spontaneity. So I spent the majority of my day with this boy:

The day featured lots of laughs, good music, and wind-blown hair. And supper with this girl:

I can't let my days just slide by. I can't leave my body behind. I can't forget my heart.

I will remember to live, & not just survive. I will rejoice in movement, & be carefree. I will let my heart bloom.

This is not your fault.

2008-05-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I've really grown into myself, especially with the new year. And I feel as though my current apartment is a place I can actually feel like I'm living in.

I had today off, so last night I got high with Mark. And I slept in so wonderfully late today. I ran some errands, and cleaned the apartment. I updated my other blog. I wish Chris didn't forget about it.

Life is so strange. Two coworkers at one of my jobs have tried to kiss me (on different days, thank god). Two men seem to be interested (and it's mutual) but their interest doesn't seem to be very concrete. And I'm dragging along. I have no reason to feel alone, but I do.

I'm not meant for this game.

godspeed you

2008-05-22T10:56:00.001-07:00

Lately, I can only write in shitty poetry. And I can only drink beer or wine. And I chain-smoke like a mad woman, using an empty beer bottle as an ashtray.

And I want to fall asleep in your arms.
I want to be yours.

I am leaving you.

2008-05-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go to a Retailer Dinner Training thing for work today, featuring a Holistic Pharmacist. But it was my first day off in almost three weeks, and my roommates aren't home... I can't help but play my music loud, and do absolutely nothing.

Besides, Holistic Pharmacist sounds like a contradiction of terms. And I'm so over the retailer/business factors of my work. I don't care that statistics show people buy the larger size of a certain product if it's placed on the right.

I am not that person.
I am however that girl who would flirt with someone just for the drinks. *sigh*

Letting in a little light.

2008-04-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today at work,
I accidentally categorized and alphabetized all the teas.

Do you have a girlfriend? - Is she pretty?

2008-04-21T21:07:00.001-07:00

I'm moving into a new apartment on Friday/Saturday. It's always so strange packing up your life. It always puts me in a pretty depressed state. There's always so much I've wanted to do, and when I pack, I'm just reminded of all those goals and all that unused potential.

In an interesting turn of events, I found quite a few things from my time with Chris. A teddy bear, some notes, movie stubs... I threw everything away. I kept the only picture of us though. I'm not sure why I did either. Maybe as a reminder... though of what? No idea.

I've still got a lot to learn about love.

We are history.

2008-04-01T20:34:00.001-07:00

True love is always complicated,
Free and easy is over-rated.

You keep twisting the truth.

2008-03-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

...to be with someone only to not be alone is just not right..

I'm not with you.
& I'm still alone.

There is no consolation here.

Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight.

2008-03-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like
pretending to be your
muse tonight.

Sweetness never suits me.

2008-03-24T20:14:00.001-07:00

Today was a completely random day. I woke up with my right high-nostril embedded in my face; in the time that it took me to shower, my face had completely swallowed it. So I skipped work at the liquor store to run to Strange City to get a longer post inserted, to ice my face and exceed the recommended daily dose of anti-inflammatorys. The manager called and left a voice mail, saying to call him back. Which generally is a good idea, unless your manager is the type of person to spend hours on the phone. *sigh* So I didn't get a hold of him at all. I might be fired? It's not much of a loss.

I did some baked some vegan brownies today. I'm giving some in thanks to a classmate since she's lending me a few notes that I had missed, and some to a girl from work since I keep forgetting to bring her my pamphlet from the Health Fair. I'll probably end up bring some for the SafeWalk crew on Wednesday too.

Here's the recipe if anyone is interested:

- 1 1/2 cups natural applesauce
- 1 1/2 cups sugar (or alternative dry sweetener)
- 1 tbsp vanilla
- 1 cup cocoa powder
- 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1/2 tsp baking soda
- 1/2 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 350 C. Lightly oil a 9 by 13 inch baking pan.
Combine first 3 ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Set aside.
Combine remaining batter ingredients in a medium-size mixing bowl. Stir into applesauce mixture until batter is thick and moist.
Spoon batter into pan. Bake until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, about 40 minutes. Set aside to cool.

What I am to you is not what you mean to me.

2008-03-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

These pictures are for a girl in Sweden, for an art exhibition. I crave to be a part of something bigger than myself always. And if I can't create art, I might as well try to be a part of it. I almost don't even care how I feel about these pictures, because they captured who I was for those few seconds. And then life changed in a few more seconds anyways.

I was going to clean my bathroom, but I painted my nails a dark red wine instead. For some reason, I always feel a little more creative with painted nails. It's strange. Once I use up these last few bottles, I doubt I'll buy nail polish again... but it's a tempting thought. There's a certain je ne sais pas about it all.

I spent a few hours in Two Hills today, visiting my parents. I fell asleep on the couch for two hours, while my dad watched television, my mom and brother played crib in the next room. I was dreaming in French...

I feel it all.

2008-03-14T11:14:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, we're all lucky enough to find the people we 'click' with. The friends that bring out our confidence and strength, the individuals that compliment our personalities.

Sometimes, we're lucky enough to find a distraction. That kind of distraction cares enough to hesitate; the type that leaves bite marks upon porcelain skin.

We breathe the same rhythm.
And my body remembers itself.

There's a hole in your voice and you say it's a choice, but I don't understand.

2008-03-07T18:35:00.000-08:00

If the book is closed,
do you try to forget
the story inside?

I'm feeling like an after thought.

2008-03-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

I should have written about this weeks ago...

At the beginning of Reading Week, I went back to Two Hills for a few days to visit my parents. Normally, Two Hills and my parents aren't the greatest things, but for once, it was absolutely awesome. I was laughing with my mom the moment she picked me up (I told her all about my Vagina Day and how for once, a boy walked me home - in which she replied with "Great, now if he wants to stalk you, he knows where you live!") and the laughs definitely didn't stop.

On Family Day, my mother and I celebrated by playing Sequence. I photo documented it, and told her I was going to blog about it (she doesn't know what 'blog' means).

It starts...

My Mom is a very serious player...

As for her daughter... not so much:

Which is probably why my Mom won...

This is her stoked I-just-kicked-Ashley's-ass face:

And this is my poor-loser face (according to my Mom, I look like I'm 6yrs old in this picture)

My Mom and I then decided to interrupt my Dad's TV watching to take a family portrait... these were the best two out of three:

I love my parents. I'm so grateful that I'm able to appreciate and enjoy their company as individuals. They are the quirkiest, most hilarious and adorable people I know. My Dad goes on the treadmill for an hour and listens to the Beach Boys on his old record player. My Mom is really good at making quick little coy insults (I get my humor from her, I think).

My Mom gave me a collection of newspaper cut outs that she's been saving for at least a year. I'll have to edit this later to add them in, but they were basically the things that she's never said. Sort of the positive 'be yourself' things. And even though they were from the Edmonton Journal, it is still my Mom accepting me as the individual I am.

...But seriously. When the hell did my Mom get good at board games?!

I saw your face in front of me.

2008-02-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken a little more than a week ago, when I was visiting my Baba. My Baba is one of the most important women in my life. I like the little bits of the house's character peeking out in that picture; I love that house. I can lay on my Baba's couch for hours, while she watches Dr. Phil (and reiterates everything, telling me how I should pay attention to a married couple's financial problems) or complains about the women's church group.

I feel like such a burn out right now. But I can't complain.

I've been going to the gym consistently for about three weeks now, and I have definitely noticed a difference not just in body shape, but in my feelings towards my body, and just generally actually being in my body. I honestly had no idea I was so disconnected from my body. I suppose it makes sense that I would be detached considering what I've been through in the past, but I had thought I was over it. Yeah right. Either way, my body and I are on our way to a happy healthy relationship.

And for once, in an intimate situation, I didn't feel like I had to hear a "You're beautiful" or some line like that. For once, the beauty and confidence came from me, not from the (usually) empty, complimentary words of my partner.

It sounds silly, but I've finally realized that I have neither the energy, time, and perhaps even desire for a serious relationship right now. I mean, I've strengthened my relationship with my parents, and it's certainly not easy work to uphold this. My relationships with my sisterfriends are also undergoing improvements, and I'm certainly not willing to sit back and watch them slide back into the dirt. There's no way I could deal with a super serious intimate relationship right now. I mean, thinking back to when I was dating my ex, and he would be upset if I didn't call him every night before bed... there's no way I'd be able to handle that now. I mean, it's nice hearing someone's voice and all that jazz. But, it's hard enough getting schedules to jive to go out for tea, never mind daily phone calls. However, I've certainly surrendered the outcome of certain relationships, and I'm content with their present state. (Even though, the present state is taking up some time and energy - it's manageable. And absolutely pleasant. And definitely new, fresh. ...exciting, even.)

I'm low on energy.
Give me some tips?

In the end the whole world comes down to just a few people.

2008-02-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

"We don't exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, what we say has no meaning until someone can understand, while to be surrounded by friends is constantly to have our identity confirmed; their knowledge and care for us have the power to pull us from our numbness. In small comments, many of them teasing, they reveal they know our foibles and accept them and so, in turn, accept that we have a place in the world. We can ask them 'Isn't he frightening?' or 'Do you ever feel that...?' and be understood, rather than encounter the puzzled 'No, not particularly' - which can make us feel, even when in company, as lonely as polar explorers.

True friends do not evaluate us according to worldly criteria, it is the core self they are interested in..."

-- "The Consolations of Philosophy" by Alian de Botton

You put your arms around me.

2008-02-16T08:04:00.001-08:00

I'm definitely being reminded that changing your perspective isn't an easy task; a reminder I needed, less I take it for granted. I woke up realizing that the negative emotions I was feeling last night were old. They didn't belong...

You don't know what I'm going through.

2008-02-16T01:04:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my Mom lately, and how it seems my life has always evolved around sickness and disease (her cancer, my own scoliosis + complications). I feel like I'm letting her down in my youth somehow; when she was my age, she had given her independent life for a life with my father. She never talks about it, but I think she was yearning to discover the world, to discover herself. I feel like now that I'm actively working towards personal well-being, that I don't deserve any of the 'goodness' I feel. I think I just need this beautiful, strong, mysterious woman to connect with me, to tell me that she's proud of me for... surviving.

A few years ago, I discovered a VHS tape in my parents house. It was a recording of me as a baby still in the hospital, only a handful of days old. It's like they didn't think I was going to make it. I survived... but this miracle baby isn't living up to her expectations.

It feels like I don't deserve happiness.
And I have no idea how to resolve this.

The ocean made me feel stupid.

2008-02-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had an awesome V-Day. A charming man and I hung out last night, and it was definitely an awesome fun night. Lately in live, I've been trying to just surrender, and let things happen instead of trying to control the outcome. I've let go of some relationships, I've got room to grow. And I'm oh so stoked.

My body is feeling less foreign to me these days. I am so glad I'm devoting time to myself. Of course, it's basically always sore from going to the gym 6 days a week, but it's sore in a funny way, so I'm okay with it.

I just got back from visiting a friend at her work, she asked me to just look serious for one second, and there was no way that I could not stop smiling.

Good things are happening...

All the birds are heading down south but you're staying up north you say.

2008-02-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

I am thoroughly stoked about working tomorrow night at the Starlite Room, Matt Costa is playing! Hopefully, membership work will be finished before Delta Spirit is finished their set, cause I'd love to catch the majority of the show, but it's no biggie if I don't. It's rad just to be able to listen, really.

I'm feeling really lazy today. I didn't make it to the gym as I had intentioned, but overall, the day hasn't quite gone as planned. Today came with a lesson though: there's no point in running your mouth, if you're not saying anything at all. Sometimes, I think I know someone, and then I'm let down when I realize I held them in higher esteem than deserved.

When I walked into my apartment, someone had written in the visitor's parking binder:

Where are you, baby?

I'm eating, sleeping, loving
How are you?

God, give us love in the time that we have.

2008-02-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

Just remember: Adjust the focus.

The Universe has been super rad lately.

I have gone to the gym every day since Thursday (excluding today, Sunday is totally the rest day for me). And it feels so good to actually being fully committed to my health. I'm going to kick my disease in the butt!
My Baba is well!*
I am now a Memberships Girl at the Starlite Room (and hopefully, in due time, I'll be a Doors Girl as well)
I have definitely been working on strengthening my Sisterfriend relationships, and since my heart fills with love when I think of them - we're definitely on the right track.
There's a new fellow in my life. I don't know him very well yet, but I certainly look forward to getting to know him.
My Mother and I have been having awesome telephone conversations lately. This is good news for us.

*She apparently had a stroke a few weeks ago, but the doctors have ruled that out. This means no brain damage or paralysis, but they still don't know what is causing her to black out, etc. Either way, she's feeling like her old self again!

I want your flowers like babies want god's love or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come.

2008-02-04T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've cut you out of the pictures, baby.
Now I'm just kissing ghosts.

Say goodbye to love and hold your head up high.

2008-02-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

I absolutely adore hot beverages on a cold day. I think I've also come to terms with the fact that no one is going to surprise me at work one day with a steaming hot cup of "I love you so much that I'm going to surprise you at work" tea.

I just coloured my daily petal of my Flower Mandala and I'm pleased to announce that the colour green has returned! This is good news, I was definitely noticing its absence during my days.

All these people drinking lover's spit.

2008-01-31T22:28:00.000-08:00

Is it obvious what I've been up to all day? Because those books lie a little. I've done some sleeping, watched a few episodes of "Pushing Daisies" and washed a pile of dishes.

I made mushroom soup for supper. I wish I approached cooking with the same emotions that I approach baking with. I'm so good at vegan baking! But my vegan cooking just tastes mediocre at best. I'm certainly not giving up yet though.

I have a HUGE list of books that I want to read, and it seems like I'm adding to it every day. There's so much that I don't know about - that I want to know about. I mean, I just feel dumb, which is completely irrational, but still.

I still want to save the world,
but I'm beginning to question what that means.

But you're so far-sighted that you can't place trust.

2008-01-30T21:33:00.000-08:00

I've been engrossed in the realm of the Tiger Lily for the last few hours, scrambling to do an assignment that I clearly did not set aside enough time for. Winter has this way of bringing tears to my eyes. Cold hands, cold feet, cold hearts. I had a day dream of a one bedroom apartment, coming home to a warm red room, coming home to a cat slinking around my feet, coming home to a state where I'm okay with being alone.

I've had the intentions of getting tiger lilies tattooed on my armpits for a while, and just now, I think I found the perfect inspiration.

But that's how you like it away from the world.

2008-01-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

My fascination with ostriches began at a young age.

I used to dream of just disappearing one day. Leaving all I know for a different world, smoking dope and making love in Montreal, or maybe just sitting on a park bench with an empty journal and the pure potential. That dream lost its appeal the day I realized my disappearance would go unnoticed.

I know you can't swim but I'll tuck you in.

2008-01-29T21:06:00.001-08:00

My eye lashes froze together while I was walking to school. And I almost slipped and fell on my butt. Winter is such a glamorous season, the extra layers of clothing does wonders for my figure... But it is a good reminder to stand on your own to feet, because winter is a lonely season.

I haven't worked one single shift at the liquor store this week - and I've been loving it. It's so unbelievably nice to be able to just breathe a little, to work at a slightly less frantic pace. Of course, I am missing out on some cash; and considering I've got big travel plans and beautiful body art plans, I'd appreciate the extra cash. Oh well, I've also applied at Audrey's Bookstore and the Starlite Room just for the hell of it.

I've gotten some marks back in school and I'm very pleased. I'm seeing the benefits of my hard work, and I'm definitely proud of myself. Now, as long as I can keep this up... which may prove to be difficult since my video interview partner has been MIA for more than a week and hasn't returned any of my messages/emails. I'm meeting with Ariana to work on our Model Paper tomorrow before and after seminar; I'm also meeting with Jaclyn after her night class to interview her for a case study. I'm also interviewing Allison on Friday (after coffee/tea with Ming) for a case study. I'm really trying to step up and take initiative on my work. However, I somehow managed to forget about my botanical exercise due on Thursday; I'm positive that I'll find time tomorrow to work on it though. I also feel supported by the teaching staff, for once, and it's definitely comforting.

I'm really hoping I can keep this positive attitude up. My Baba came home from the hospital today - that has to be a good thing. I just want to hug everyone.

I am a poor wayfaring stranger

2008-01-28T23:13:00.000-08:00

It was -47 today. Naturally, I didn't leave my apartment. It's supposed to be super cold all week and I'm thoroughly disgruntled; my Chucks aren't going to hold up very well. And I'm not even sure that I have a toque to wear.

Today was a lax day that I needed though. I slept in, had a super long hot shower, watched "Juno", and worked on my Flower Essences homework. I had to type my notes on the Kramer system since my writing was illegible. I'm trying to finish up my first Case Study right now, it's due tomorrow at 8am. I'm not feeling to confident about it. I don't know what's being expected of me and since I don't have any expectations to meet, I'm feeling quite lost with the assignment. I know that I just need to buckle down, but my bed is tempting me.

And if I knew then what's so obvious now, you'd still be here

2008-01-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, during a lecture, my professor went on an aside, discussing how we store repressed memories in our body's tissue. Upon self reflection, I can agree. Our bodies are beautiful, and I wish I had someone with me, so I can run my fingertips upon his body, his repressed memories, and we would realize that we're never alone.